How a Sardar protects his slippers

Laugh till u drop

IF YOU yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

******A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Ronaldinho's Dogs

How to pass Engineering

It Happens Only in India

Share from shayar

“Maangta hoon to deti nahi,
jawab meri baat ka”


“Deti hai to khada ho jata hai,
rome rome jazbat ka”


“Kehta hoon use aise na andar rakho,
yun jawab sawal ka”


“Wo kehti hai, pahle tum dikhao,
Rukh apne baat ka”


“Kal sham ko jab kar rahe the sath me,
kam apne office ka”


“Khul gaya achanak uske aankhon ke samne,
bhed coding logic ka”


“Ishara karke kehti hai pakadane ko mujhko,
Cup garam coffee ka”


“Aur khud mera pakad leti hai..
thanda glass juice ka”


“Sochta hoon aaj bahon me pakad ke daal hi doon,
balon me fool gulab ka”


“Dalte hi gir jata hai, patta patta gulab ka...”

Make your Life Oracle !!??

Some guys just take it too far...

Make your life as deep as a Database.

Be always as unique as a Primary Key.

Be productive as an Index.

Take others' good habits as! a Foreign Key.

Share your joys with others as a Cluster.

Always keep note of your doings as good as a Data Dictionary.

Grant some privileges to others as a Role.

Secure the things as a DBA.

Do the things in order as a Rowid.

Follow your resolution as strict as a Sequence.

Light other's life as a Trigger.

Be prepared for the worst as an Exception.

Always be fruitful as a Function.

Forgive others as a Rollback Transaction.

Be thankful to God as a Commit Transaction.

Always help others like Checkpoint.

Choose the best path like an Optimizer.

Project! yourself the best like a View.

Do all these, your place will become Oracle.

Gita for developers

Fwd: How to catch and kill a lion

Newton's Method: Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method: Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.

Software Engineer Method: Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues tell them that you will upgrade it to Lion v.2 but only if you can come onsite!

Indian Police Method: Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it o accept that its a Lion. Now lets kill the lion...

Rajnikanth Method: Throw a cigarette into the air, and fire your pistol. The bullet will ignite the cigarette, and then be deflected onto the lion, killing it. The cigarette will fall into your mouth.

Jayalalitha Method: Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping!

Mani Ratnam Method: Make sure the lion does not get sunlight and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Ektaa Kapoor Method (Director): Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion. First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness (third) into the forest. You don't understand right...ok .... read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

Yash Chopra method (director): Take the lion to Australia or US... and kill it in a good scenic location.

Govinda method: Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days, wearing pink pants and electric green shirts. After the lion goes blind seeing you, make disgusting double-meaning jokes. After the
lion goes deaf listening to them, you can kill it any damn way you please.

Menaka Gandhi method: Save the lion from a danger and feed him with vegetables, all the while talking "caring about animals". The lion will kill himself.

George Bush method: If the lion is a terrorist and has a lot of oil in his control, link the lion with Osama Bin Laden and shoot him! However, if he has no oil and is willing to sell his country to you, make him your "favored ally".

Rahul Dravid method: Ask the lion to bowl at u. You bat for 200 balls and score 1 run.

Fwd: ADVERTISEMENT Of The Year

Fwd: Laloo got job in MS (USA)

Laloo Prasad sent his Bio Data - to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation, USA.
A few days later he got this reply:


Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence.
No phone call shall be entertained.

Thanks
Bill Gates.


Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply.
He arranged a press conference : "Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hai."
Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued...... "Ab hum aap sab ko apnaa appointment Letter padkar sunaongaa ? par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga.


Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya
You do not meet -----aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab Letter vetter bhejne ka kaouno
zaroorat nahee.
No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Bill Gates. ---- Tohar Bilva. .

FW: What men do V/S what men wanna do

How Indians give poses for photos

Greatest AD ever!!!!

Must be the most discouraging smoking room ever made ….

Sardar se Panga???

Sardarji is in a QuizContest trying to win prize
money of Rs.1 crore....kaun banega crorepati...

The questions are as follows:

1)How long was the 100 yr war?

A)116
B)99
C)100
D)150

Sardar says "I will skip this"

2)In which country are the Panama hats made?

A)BRASIL
B)CHILE
C)PANAMA
D)EQUADOR

Sardar asks for help from the University students

3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

A)JANUARY
B)SEPTEMBER
C)OCTOBER
D)NOVEMBER

Sardar asks for help from general public

4)Which of these was King George VI first name?

A)EDER
B)ALBERT
C)GEORGE
D)MANOEL

Sardar asks for lucky cards

5)The Canary Islands, in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on which
animal:

A)CANARYBIRD
B)KANGAROO
CPUPPY
D)RAT

Sardar gives up.


If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at Sardarji's replies, Then please check the answers below:

....

....

....

....



1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453
2) The Panama hat is made in Equador
3) The October revolution is celebrated in November
4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he changed his name.
5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which means islands of the
puppies.

Now tell me who's the dumb one....

Don't ever laugh at a Sardar again

Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Sambhar of 69

I had my first real six rupees,
stole it from my father's pants.
went to a nearby hotel,
to eat the sambhar of 69.

Me and some kadke dost,
had it all and we caught bukhaar,
jimmy puked, Joey got ulcers,
and Bagga ne maari dakar.

Oh when I went back now,
the food was as stale as ever,
and though it was 99,
still the sambhar was being served there,

That was the worst food of my life.

There's no use in complaining,
when you got no other place to eat,
rushed in the evening to the doctors clinic,
but he too was at the toilet seat, yeah

Standing there waiting out,
nurse told me I will wait forever,
oh and when I held my breath,
I knew that I had to use that loo there
That was the worst food of my life.

Back to the sambhar of 69.